Vivian Ha5 Comments

Putting myself first

Vivian Ha5 Comments
Putting myself first

For the first time in my life, I felt genuinely selfish over a decision I made. But, I knew that I was doing what was best for me and my growth. 


A couple of months ago, my boyfriend and I ended our relationship of nearly six years. I'll never regret those years and am thankful that they happened as they were fundamental in shaping who I am, but I realized that I still have so much learning and growing to do and the relationship wasn't conducive to that.


I always boasted proudly about being in a long term relationship and a part of me felt accomplished for finding “The One” when I was only 15. I loved having someone I could call mine and someone that I could come home to every night to share all my exciting (and boring) stories to. I thought that such a relationship was rare to come by and was afraid that I wouldn’t find that again. I wanted to stay committed because the hopeless romantic in me loved the idea of being high school sweethearts and that we were going to live out the rest of our lives together. But, somewhere along the way, the sparks began to fade and I had to let that dream go.


I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture and realized I wasn’t done growing. I was only 21 and there was just so much left for me to see and do before I settled down. I had so much of life to experience and I felt like I needed to be independent to really take that all in. I needed to find myself again and to rediscover what it meant to be on my own before I could give my heart and soul away to someone. From 15 to 21, I was so focused on the idea of being someone’s other half that I forgot what it was like to just be me and my own person.


And truth be told, I have never been comfortable with change. I like having routine and consistency so that I always know what to expect. But, one of the greatest adventures in life is exploring the unknown, and the routine that I had set for myself was limiting me from this adventure. I owed it to myself to break routines and to just go with the swing of things. Thus, I’m slowly learning to accept that change is inevitable and I shouldn’t fight back. Things need to change in order for me to grow and that is an idea that I need to embrace with open arms. My 21 year old self envisions a different future than what my 15 year old self did and that’s okay. Things change, people change, dreams change.


Around the same time that my relationship was ending, I was also beginning to question what career path I wanted to pursue. Growing up, my dream was to become a doctor so that I could take care of my parents as they grew older. I wanted to reach that dream for them, and I wanted to make them proud. And as great as that idea sounded, my parents were quick to notice that my heart and passion weren’t in the medical field. Regardless, I pushed through because who knows, I could have a change of heart and that maybe just another biology class could change everything. Alas, I have completed three years of college, and only have one more left to go. I am about to graduate with a Bachelors of Science in Molecular Cell and Physiology with a minor in Chemistry. Yet, with every biology or chemistry class I have taken or will take, I’m left with the daunting revelation and glooming cloud over my head that I don’t want to be in the STEM field. Moreover, I’m realizing I don’t belong in STEM and no longer see myself genuinely happy pursuing that route.


I’m always telling myself “it’s too late” and “I’ve already made it this far so I’m just going to finish and get my degree and decide from there”. But, it doesn’t have to be too late and doesn’t have to be the only route I take. Life is so much more than just a two way street and just because I stumbled upon the wrong major when I was 18, doesn’t mean I have to stick with it for the rest of my life. I can change that and pour my heart and energy into something that truly makes me happy.


The idea of pursuing something in fashion seemed crazy back then, but now, the idea doesn’t seem all that wild. It feels more me. And as uncertain as the future may be, I’m excited to see where I end up. I can’t possibly expect and foresee everything that’s going to happen, so here goes. Here’s to closing out that chapter of my life and letting old dreams fade and here awaits new beginnings and new dreams.

With love always,


P.S. Any thoughts and opinions are appreciated! Would love to hear whether you guys have been in a similar situation or can relate. 

P.S.S. huge shoutout to John for these photos. I can finally cross an LA rooftop shoot off my bucket list. Check out his Instagram page here. :)